Dad Proverbs

“The path to greatness is lonely.” This was something my Dad said a lot when I was younger. He didn’t mean that I had to be alone to be successful. He meant that people won’t share the same vision or work ethic as me. They won’t value the same things as me. He meant that there will be times that I’ll have to venture off on my own. I’ll have to make choices that scare me. I’ll have to separate myself from the rest in order to remain focused. That there will come a time that I'll outgrow the people and environment around me. He couldn’t have been more right.

I left on my own for the first time when I was 17 years old. I moved to North Dakota on a wrestling scholarship. It wasn’t the ideal destination to begin with and it definitely delivered. That year North Dakota had the worst rain, blizzard and flooding in over 20 years. It was much different from the paradise I grew up in and it was a huge culture shock for this Hawaiian. At the time I had Olympic dreams so it was where I needed to be. I became an all-american my first year but as fate would have it, ‘life happened’ and I’d end up back home the following year. 

A few months after arriving home my Dad sat me down and asked what my plans were. By the end of the conversation he had gotten me a job working construction with him and we made a 10 year timeline for MMA. He said that if I was not going back to wrestle I needed to have a plan. I had my first fight 3 months later. 

At 23 I left for a month-long trip to train in Las Vegas. When it was time to go back to Hawai’i I knew that I couldn’t do it. I would be doing myself a disservice if I did. I didn’t have anything better at home so I decided to stay. I sold my car, packed my things into two boxes and returned. I had no job, money, car or plan. Just a heart full of dreams and a burning desire to make them come true. A week after relocating I won my first World Championship. Later that month I was signed to Invicta Fighting Championships.

At 27 my husband and I left the team I was a part of for 4 years. We had just won our first world titles as black belts but knew that we needed a change. We wanted to be around other athletes chasing the same goals we were and led by a coach that could help us get there. This was one of the most difficult times in our lives for reasons that I hope I am bold enough to speak about someday. A lot happened that left us lost and confused. In the end we got exactly what we were looking for and found ourselves in the finals of the Worlds just 2.5 months after leaving.

In 2019 we partnered with Venum to start a project in Sun City. We were ready to have a stable income and start building something that was ours. I was turning 29 and thinking about what comes next. I loved being an athlete but knew that we couldn’t live the way we were forever. We were trading in being full time athletes and it was a huge transition for us. We were trying to compete at the highest level(without enough training partners), build a program as new coaches and make time for everything that came with both. It was a struggle to manage all of it but we figured it out day by day.

In 2021 Venum closed its doors which forced us to open our own gym(ahead of plans) to ensure our students could stay together and continue learning with us. We were in the middle of the pandemic and not sure if it was the right choice. We jumped in feet first regardless. Within 24 hours we had a location secured. 2 weeks later we had the keys to start renovating it and 3 weeks from then we opened the doors to Hybrid Jiujitsu.

I originally began writing this blog with the intention of talking about the importance of being around like minded people on this journey. It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I’ve always felt misunderstood, different than others and even strange at times. I didn’t know people doing what I was trying to do. I was from a small town that most people never leave. But this piece has taken on a direction of its own. While writing about the situations above I realized that this blog is about never giving up on youself. It’s about taking risks. Going left when it’s much easier to go right. Leaving behind what may not serve you anymore. It’s about believing in a dream nobody may see but you AND being rewarded for your unwavering work toward it.

I’ve struggled all week trying to wrap this blog up but I guess what I really want to say is: Why not you? I feel like people believe that greatness is reserved for a special group kind of person but I don’t believe that’s true. I am an ordinary person who has been able to do some extraordinary things solely because I decided to do it. I have no other secret. I wake up every single day and I make international choices. I have a non negotiable task list that I complete every single day for nearly two decades. There’s no compromise or excuses. Little by little I’ve chipped away at the end goal. Most importantly, I’ve never given up. Even when times got hard I found solutions and stayed the course. And I know what you’re thinking, ‘it’s not that simple.’ I’ve lost count how many times I’ve heard that while trying to encourage others to go after something they want. But it really is that simple.

I grew up in a city where dreams were only for people in movies. We didn’t get to have our own. I didn’t come from a family with money. I didn’t even have natural athleticism to start. I did have a father who dropped me off at school and said, “kulia i ka nu’u,” which translates to “strive for the highest.” This was ingrained in me and I believed from a young age that anything I wanted, I could have no matter my circumstances. The truth is that statistically speaking I shouldn’t be here. I never forget that either. Raquel Pa’aluhi was never supposed to make it this far but I did.

So, I will ask again: Why not you?

I Get It Now

If you’ve been following along with my blog and have already read Part I and Part II then you have an idea of the back story of Renato an I. For those who haven’t, go read the other blogs first :)

When we got married we’d only been dating for 3 months. We had a whirlwind romance like the movies you watch or novels you read and we knew that this was what we wanted for our lives. We were broke but we were happy and definitely in love. We bought some bands on sale and got our clothes from TJ Maxx. I spent $20 on a dress and about the same on Renato’s slacks and button up. My sister was going to be in town for the weekend so she came with us as our witness. We drove our 2001 Honda Accord down to the courthouse and tied the knot. We had the most amazing friends who threw us a dinner party that night and the rest, well.. you’ll have to read about it here over time.

Over the years we talked about getting married and having an actual wedding. I wanted to do it at year 1, 2, 3 then 5 and it kind of kept running further and further away from us. I had high hopes that we would be making better money in those beginning years and while things were definitely getting better, we still couldn’t afford to throw a wedding on our own. We finally decided to do it at 5 years but Covid happened. His family was stuck in Brasil so we let that idea go. This October we attended a friends wedding in Oregon and it was absolutely beautiful and you could feel their love. It was also so special seeing everyone celebrating them. It was then that I knew that I didn’t want to live my life without having ever put on a wedding dress and walking down the isle to my husband with the people closest to us celebrating our love.

I’ve always said I just wanted a backyard luau. Something intimate with the people I love eating, drinking, dancing and laughing under the stars. Something big and fancy is just not me at all. So when we went to try on dresses I looked for something that would fit a beach house wedding party. BUT THEN I tried on THE dress. Actually, let’s rewind a little.

Leading up to the dress appointments I began feeling extremely anxious and guilty. If you know me personally, I am a servant to others. I rarely ask for anything for myself and even though I will drop stacks on others I will put back a top on sale for $30 if it’s for myself. I’ve always been that way. I spent the night before and the morning of filled with guilt. Wondering why I felt I deserved to do this. Wondering why I’m going to spend all this money on a big party to celebrate our love. I literally started tearing up right as I was about to I walk into the store(which is also why it’s important to bring good friends with you). We walked up to the reception area and I couldn’t even say I was the bride(lol).

We started choosing dresses and they chose some for me as well. We ended up pulling about 15 of them. I tried on the first few and loved all of them. And then I tired on THE ONE. It was like dating Renato in the beginning! me knowing he was the one but lying to myself the first couple of weeks thinking, ‘this can’t be it. this was too easy. I'm way too young to find my person.’ I was in denial. I couldn’t have found the dress on the 4th try! She zipped me up and I looked at myself for the first time and I just started to cry. ‘I GET IT NOW!’ I thought. Every woman deserves to have this moment. To put on a wedding dress and feel like a princess. I went out and showed my girls and started crying again. The other dresses were too big or too small but this one fit me like a glove. Like it was literally made for me. I tried on a couple more and put it back on at the end. ‘I get it now,’ I thought again. This is exactly why I deserve to do this.

I came home that day and I told my husband, “I have never felt more beautiful in my life. I am literally a vision of perfection in that dress!” He laughed and said he believes me. I hate to use this line again but if you know me then you know words like that never leave my mouth about myself. I am extremely critical about myself! But not on that day. That day I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world when I put that dress on. I can’t wait to walk down the isle and see his reaction.

Discipline > Motivation

A couple of days ago I did a podcast with Ashlee Evans Smith(which was such a wonderful time - it’s called sex and violence with rebel girl if you are interested in listening to it). One of the fan questions was, “how do you stay motivated.”

The truth is, I'm not very motivated nowadays. I used to be highly motivated by wanting a better life. Not wanting to struggle anymore. Wanting to prove that I could come from the small town of Wai’anae and make it big. I wanted to represent my family and people well. These things all kept me going for a very long time.

Over the last few years I began reaping the rewards of the work I've been doing and I now have a very comfortable life. There was a season that I struggled to find my WHY or my MOTIVATION because I had arrived to this place of complete happiness and satisfaction with where my life was. Not to say that I didn’t want more. It’s just that I’m a simple person so what I have now is much more than I ever dreamed of.

I always answer this the same way because it’s the truth: I’m hardly ever motivated nowadays but I’m ALWAYS disciplined. I know this topic is made into instagram quotes and used in motivational speeches and captions every single day around the world but there is a small amount of people who live this way. It is a hard thing to do.

Whatever it is you want, whatever it is you’re working toward, you must make the process to obtain it a nonnegotiable item in your life. I can write down a 10 step process of how to get there but the truth is, getting up every single day and just doing it is what’s worked for me. On the rainy days, tired days, I don’t feel my best days you need to stay disciplined. Wake up and do it no matter what you feel physically, mentally or emotionally.

A few weeks ago I suffered an injury that left me stuck in bed and physically unable to do a lot of things on my own. If you saw me then you would not believe that it was possible for me to be walking a week later. I was in terrible shape. There was a day that I began having negative thoughts and feelings about what was going on. I didn’t know exactly what was going on with me or how bad it could be. I was expecting to fight in Europe in a few weeks and had to cancel those plans. I was not able to do what I love every day and it was hard. When I started having those thoughts I immediately shut them out. Instead I asked myself: ‘what can I do to get better faster?’

I created a schedule for myself so that I’d stay on track with my recovery(physically, mentally and emotionally). I woke up at the same time everyday. At first I could only do a short stretch routine and walk on the treadmill as exercise so I did that. A couple of days later I was feeling less pain and had more movement so I was able to add some exercises to my regimen. I scheduled massages, chiropractor appointments and even sessions with my therapist to keep my mind and emotions stable. I scheduled an MRI and once I got the results I knew what was safe to do so I added more to my routine. I also made sure I was sticking to a strict diet to keep my body feeling good so it could heal. Why I did this was for many reasons and one being that if I was sticking to a schedule, making daily goals and making sure I was still eating well - I knew I would feel good and in return not fall into a dark or sad place. I could have easily said, “Oh well I’m injured and I’m not competing so I can eat whatever I want! I don’t have to work out since I’m hurt,” and let myself go. At this point I had no motivation or why to keep going. But that is where discipline comes in. Working out, eating healthy, making healthy choices for my mind and body are all non negotiable items in my day to day life. Even in the worst of seasons! No matter what happens I need to stay disciplined so I can hit all of my short and long term goals. I never look at enjoying temporary satifsaction but rather enjoying the fruits of my long term accomplishments.

I read something the other day that I’ll leave you all with: Decide what kind of life you really want and then say no to everything that isn’t that.

It can really be as simple as that. Say no to the extra spending, extra scoop of rice, the trip you’ll have to put on a credit card that isn’t necessary, the brand name purse, the outing that replaces a non negotiable task in your day. Every single day, one task at a time, ONLY move closer to your end goal and not further away.

HONESTLY

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged and while that was never the plan(to be absent for so long), I’m glad I took some time for myself.

A LOT HAS BEEN GOING ON and honestly, I was not sure where to start. I’ve started writing a couple of blogs but stopped because I didn’t have the right words to finish it. I stopped trying to force myself to figure out what was going on and finally took the time to really live in the season that I’m currently in.

Tomorrow I begin therapy. That should have been hard for me to write but I’m ready to say it out loud and own it. When I began writing in this blog it was at a time in my life where I began feeling extremely down for the first time in my life. Well, the first time in my life that I ALLOWED myself to feel down. I was raised to soldier up, figure it out and never be weak. While this was going on I began pouring myself into things I thought would help me feel better. Making money, other people, building a better business, etc. thinking that these thing would make me feel fulfilled. In the end, it didn’t. I realized I needed to do some serious work within myself before I could do any of these things listed above successfully.

Over the last month and a half I’ve successfully prepared for a tournament where I was undefeated and beat some talented athletes. This was huge for me because I finally put myself first for the first time in a long time. I traveled to Okinawa alone and taught group classes to complete strangers which was also huge for me because I had never done that before. I’ve also spent a lot of time with family. I went home alone for the first time since Renato and I got together. This was huge for me because a part of the season I’ve been in is finding my truths and digging up some of my past so that I can understand what I’m going through currently. I put my work down and took some real time away from everything and more importantly, I didn’t stress myself out about doing so. 6 months ago time away would make me go crazy.

Over the next few weeks I plan to cover some of these experiences and topics I have been dealing with. While I feel like I am very transparent I am still very private about my personal life. But I feel like a blog should be open and honest! So stay tuned for more. I will be dropping a blog later this week :)

Part II

Now, I don’t want it to sound like we had this hard or terrible life together when this all started.

Despite not having financial stability or a career that provided us a comfortable life(yet), we were so happy. Everyday was a great day and the honeymoon stage lasted for a long time. Honestly, I still feel like we’re in that stage.

But life was happening fast. When I say it was a whirlwind, it like we were on the inside of a washing machine on the spin cycle. We got married in July which left us two months to get his green card application together. Thankfully our friends threw us a surprise dinner party the night we got married so we had managed to get enough funds from that to file the paperwork. But that meant I had to do it on my own because there was no way we could afford a lawyer. We also took over the house we were staying in. It had been used as storage for the last few years as she spent more time at her boyfriends home a block away. We were on a deadline to start paying the mortgage but also had to clean the entire thing out and find renters within a months time. When we began, I counted nine couches over three different living room areas so we had our work cut out for us. We had a lot going on to say the least.

Renato was making a little money each week from teaching, traveling to do some seminars and refereeing as much as he could. I had a couple of classes a week and a paying sponsor that gave me money for each medal I brought home while wearing his patch. If you read my Logan blog then you know that I had some funds for the season so I competed as much as I could.

2016 ended with a brown belt promotion for myself and a black belt promotion for Renato. While our competition seasons were still not perfect, it was close to it as far as results are speaking. We were going to as many competitions as we could but there was one that would change everything for us.

In November of 2017 Renato got a call from Rolles Gracie. He had one more spot left in an eight man Grand Prix on a new show called Kasai. If you know Renato’s saying, it was full of playboys and he was ready to put the porrada on them. It was five weeks away and he was still not a ‘no gi guy’ but we were going for it anyways. If there was money on the line, Renato always went hard. I also got a super fight on the card so we were training hard to make a statement.

We arrived in NYC two days before the tournament and it was safe to say Renato was the underdog of the bracket. I remember the morning of we went down stairs to eat breakfast. While we were sitting in the cafe waiting for our meals to come we looked up and there was snow falling. It was like a Christmas movie: I was in Time Square in December and there was snow falling. I ran outside and lifted my hands to the sky while snow flakes fell on my face and I cried. How did a Wai’anae girl end up here? I had a good feeling about us tonight.

Most of you know how this tournament went. It was the classic story of triumph. The underdog came in and stole the show. He beat up the playboys, his wife won too, the crowd went crazy and we took home the money. The next weekend we’d do the same at the No Gi Worlds in our first year as black belts. Renato would win 5 matches and I 3 and we’d go home with our first black belt world titles. 

We were living the dream.

When I started this particular blog I was writing it with the intention of speaking about supporting your partner/spouse. But how could I do that without first explaining where we started? Not all of you know where we started. And while I want to repeat the first line from this blog again, our life was not hard or terrible, it just wasn’t what it is today. We were happy, but we were so far from comfortable and it took a lot of being uncomfortable to get to the place we’re at now.

(Stay tuned for part 3, the final part, maybe)